Thursday, April 28, 2005

what it takes to be a woman...

being a girl is almost synonymous to being emotional. hate it sometimes. I dun mean to have all this emotions. I dun mean to have a heart that is so fragile.. But strong I will be. hmm. without losing the feminine touch. How hard can that be... sigh.

If i am losing u.. I am sorry. Dunno. sometimes it is soo difficult to be a woman who dares to love and feel stuff. cos when one gets hurt.. it hurts.. haha. oh well.. hmm.

one more paper.. i am so naughty not studying.. but today i read a inspirational cheezy book. haha. too embarrasing to even say the title. but i guess i am blessed by the book. hmm. i need to learn to stand on my 2 feet. to believe in myself.. if not how will others believe in me? yups. so i need to be strong. to noe what is the right thing to do. and to believe it and do it.. the joy of the Lord is my strength. so .. i need to noe how to keep my Lord happy. yups.

okie. Its a good day today. I just wanna thank God for helping me with this semester. It's been good in the weirdest way!

Monday, April 25, 2005

wanting it all. needing none of it.

Last few weeks must have been the busiest weeks that i have been in a while. datelines. exams. friends. tuition. church. hmm. i duno. it just zoomed...

Weird how i dun like to be busy anymore. Used to like it. The whole hype of having so much to finish.. the lets challenge myself and see if i can do it all.. It used to be important to me. That I can multi task and do everything as best as I can...but not anymore. I wish I have the time to do a quality job of it all. To be able to do the best without compromising on another commitment....

This is the age where people go.. oh oh. I am getting old. I better do all the things that i have always wanted to do... Like I wanna go travelling. I wanna do cool stuff. go teach english in a foreign place. go learn new stuff. ... so many.. too many.. yet at the same time. i want a focus. i want to be able to say yes this is it. This is what I will do...

And yet u noe wad? it is not at all this. While this is big deal to me... I really should not be bothered.. they are not important! but yet it means so much to me.. So hard to reconcile.. hmmm.......

Kinda sad that this is also the time where people slip.. the transition between.. i have been doing this for a long time .. and. guess what.. I need a change in lifestyle.. someting aint right.... All the people that mean something to me.. I noe that there is only this much that i can do.. the rest is really up to them... sigh....

school is finally ending. strange how at the end of it.. i go. hmmm. is this it? what i have been striving for? .. maybe this isnt it... sigh.. thoughts like these really shdnt cloud my mind....

O lord. I noe u have a purpose. i noe it doesnt concern my career in specific.. but u created me to be sensitive and someone who needs to work for a cause.. (haha, perfect makings for a suicide bomber).. I pray that you will grant me work that is not all that tiresome.. but has a point to it...

:) its been a good weekend. Didnt do much thats why. Just got back my grade for OE.. organizational effectiveness. The group that I really had a problem with.. Thank you for the decent grade.. :) its good to have decent grades...

One more exam!!!:) good to be finally up for a break!:) I am loving it!....

To be like Jesus..
in every word and deed ....
Like him I'll be...
Teach me to love only the things that mean something to u...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful grace
and the things of this world
will grow strangely dim
in the light of Your glory and Grace

Teach me what your grace is like. I need u to take away all selfish thoughts.
Forgive me for striving, instead of resting in your Love
Show me Lord that u are good. that u are the good life.

Had prayer meeting on Tuesday, talked about praying by faith.
What is faith? Being hopeful of what you cannot see. Hopeful--- Passionate. Not just a casual want. Something that means something to u.
WHat am I passionate about? I want to lead a life pleasing to u.. So help me Lord....

Thank you for helping me with all my assignments:) Help me with my exams o Lord.. Love you Lord.!:)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I wanna express myself in words!

Hmmm, just read my fren's blog. When you read that, u know that words just flow and really it is not very much effort to write on her part. I wish I could write better. Have a problem with expressing what's on my mind.. sigh. Wad can I sae.

Maybe i am made to express myself in something else? Possibly in colours? Haha, cant wait to go home and play with my pastels. it such a happy thought. To sit down and be immersed... the possibility for creating something pleasing to the eye...yups. DO you think I can do this full time???

It is such a warm day todae. Gosh. Walking around feels so agonizing. Cant breathe properly because of the humidity . and the heat just penetrates through that thin layer of skin. Haha, okie i am exaggerating... But really. It is sweltering out there.. Makes me miss windy wellington. Wind is more exciting.. Haha, you don't really noe what to expect. Oh well. Need to be content.

Now i am in the lib attempting to study. Hmm, This morning's test was not too good. Sigh. I truly studied. but mind wasnt really at it. I wish that I like to study. LIke to understand why personality differences affect the organization, why prosocial behaviour is important.. but the truth is.. i think that it is a whole load of psuedo wisdom. hahaha i am not very a good student. I want to be.. but.. it really doesnt interest me very much. Do you think anybody studies business just because it is fun? will be nice to know who...

Okie i better get back to my notes. I have a quiz in 2 hours but at this moment. I am unmotivated. hahha. But a girl got to do what she got to do....... marry a rich husband? ya right! STUDY!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

School work and all

Today is a beautiful day. I'm sure it is. Though I am cooped up at home trying at my very best to study. I must say I am not doing very well. Sigh. I need lots of discipline lord,....

Hmm, been thinking abit but really no time to formulate and structure these thoughts.. I realised that everything is about the structure and the organization of stuff.. Sigh. :)

A season for everything. How true. This is the trial season. Wanna get through it victorious. Need to stand firm in our Lord. I see lots of my dear friends fall and I wish I can do more.. There is so much I can do with all the constraints.. What can I say? Life is full of choices and we have to bear the consequences of our choices.

God loves u and made u for the pleasure of knowing you. That is a good thought. I must remember it... Thank you for your love Lord.:) Teach me to know it in greater depth...

What shall I do for my birthday? (hint hint to ppl who actually bother to read this)haha.. No longer 21..:( I need to start being more responsible.. but thats okie. I wanna go play paintball.. Basically throwing balls of paint to your opponent. haha. its quite fun i think but really expensive.

For I have Plans for you.. Plans to prosper u and not to harm you.. Thank you Lord for that. Please help me see and trust you with the future of my life. Teach me to be patient and see it unfold in your eyes. I love you Lord.

Yups, all the scattered thoughts in my brain now. I wish I have time to develop them. But school work calls. Need to get back to how to establish control in organizations, structure of organizations, and how to be a good organization citizen:P

He makes all things beautiful in His time.. thank you Lord.