Monday, March 27, 2006

I CUT MY HAIR!!!

Yup. It is quite short. Hmmm, can't remember the last time my hair was this short! Ahhh. I am quite speechless.. my sister says that I can go clubbing. haha, i guess i got the desired effect from it. Something less virtuous and sweet, gives people more to think about before summing me up as a sweet young thing when they first see me...

A life ruled by circumstances. Pray I WILL NEVER BE LIKE THAT. I know that God uses circumstances to mold us but I will not want to be helpless because of my situation.. :( Money issues at home are not very fun. I don't want to be a product of these situations. It is not very nice really... :(

Went out for lunch with boss today! (this is the boss that just resigned to take care of her child)... It was quite an interesting lunch. I like breaks and leaves. Am very happy not working today. Had breakfast with my husband never to be zoomed around in his bike. That was quite fun. Macs at west coast. This is the second time we are doing it. Quite fun...

Am feeling rather agitated now. It is really quite a silly reason to feel the way I do. but I can't help it. After 23 years, I still yearn for acceptance and recognition from you. I wish that I can now fully say that I don't need it but when you are disapproving, it hurts. Can't you see that I am just trying to find my place in this big bad world. I am trying to find myself and not what you would have me be. the pageant and now the hair cut. I really don't like the feeling i get from you. O God, please help me to seek all that I need from you instead of imperfection...

Okie, it is time to sleep. Pray the spirits will be lifted higher tomorrow when I start a new day at work. God bless you and keep you!!!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Daughter, Princess, Warrior.

Went to Hillsongs in Sydney a few years ago and they were selling a T-shirt with these words for their women’s conference – Colours.

What defines me? A church friend shared in his blog about identity. Who you are when worldly definitions disappear. When beauty, intelligence, wit, wisdom, wealth all fades away and you are stripped bare as an individual.

I had a conversation with my boss here over tea just now. She was sharing about her family dynamics. I told her that the main difference between her and my other boss was that she identified herself primarily as a Wife while boss in Singapore identified herself as a worker, efficient chain in the workforce. Well, I think that I can identify with both of them quite well. What do I want to be when I am their age? I think that one common thing that we all share is we all had mothers with strong characters. This results in the daughters choosing a route that is not mediocre. An intentional choice… The decisions that I purposefully make now will determine that somewhat. Hmmm, what would Jesus do? How and what would a princess, warrior and daughter do? I pray that I will make the right decisions…

The good thing about world vision here is that it feels like a school. The employees here generally appreciate a kind camaraderie and are warm towards one another. We have devotions every morning and as much as we can be cynical about it, it is for a good purpose and it reminds me of secondary school.

So what have I learnt from devotions this week?

Yesterday during chapel, an economics lecturer was preaching about grace, repentance and all. The one thing that stuck with me is when he said that as he ages, he realizes that he is not as nice as he thought he was. That he is wretched and nothing without God. I can identify with that totally. I wish to think myself as a just person who wants to love God and people without prejudice. But the many failures keep reinforcing that it is not through my own strength that this will be made possible. When will I truly learn that?

Today, devotions was about trials in life and how we need to continue holding on to our faith. (I think that this is it… Devos are held in Khmer and it is through the kindness of people around me do I get some translations here and there ;p) It is so easy to write and talk about holding on to our faith on a happy day, but when crunch time comes and we know that it is not all that simple, and should truth be told, it is always easier to indulge in the what ifs that goes through our mind and to be unstable and to wonder and to wonder and you know… Yup, so today, we read a verse that I decided I liked. Ha, as though I have a choice whether to like it or not.. but here goes,

“May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” Romans 15:13.

It’s really a timely reminder for me as I was just thinking that I couldn’t imagine living another 50 years. I already feel weary and tired but I do not want to be boring and gray… As I read this, I know that hope (a positive anticipation of the future) is not from my own self but by the Holy Spirit. I do not need to force my self to be hopeful in the dreary world but I would need to trust and have faith when all seems wrong. Trust in exchange for peace, joy, and hope… Hmmm.

Okie, now to the more exciting stuff. Went to Angkor Wat with my fish over last weekend and it was quite fun though I must say expensive. We did not “live it up” but we had a driver and ate in expat eateries. We commented that with enough imagination, this could be Holland Village, hee.

So what’s going on right? Not very long ago we were going through this awful time and now I am writing about our little getaway together. How scandalous!!!(but yeah, this is Peirong, so anything is possible) I half guess (more like I KNOW) that fish will not read this, so honesty is the best policy. I think that God is teaching me faithfulness. I see many other fishes that are somewhat interested to be caught and the human nature in me sees the potential and inadvertently compares it to the current fish. This is bad of me (see as you grow older, you know that you are bad!!!) and I feel guilty and yet angry. Angry that fish does not meet expectations and as such causing me to feel this way. In a way, this allows me to justifies my actions and to throw that fish back into the water…

But. (Yeah the redeeming but…) But I now know that I am quite miserable without my fish. Though fish is not the best, I know that potential fishes are not enough for me to break faith. Doing the right thing. A good friend (whom I respected and if I be honest, had very good feelings for) emphasized the need to do the right thing. At that time, peace was something that I completely did not feel. So the right thing felt like saying bye… Hmm. Even now I am not sure if being together is the right thing. But what is trust if we know the absolute right?

SO… Peirong is going to trust God to provide. At least till she next come to a crisis and becomes uncertain in all she does. She is going to embrace the hope that a future is good. Regardless of what it is like by then.. A career woman that brings in the doh or a mother and a wife whose family is her first priority. Sacrifices either way… Hmm.

A jumbled up thought process for the FPs(Feeling and Perceptive) out there. Lunch break is over and so I will need to do my less preferred thinking and judging.

International Women’s Day. Holiday tomorrow in Phnom Penh! Yippy! Been invited to a church BBQ. I think I will go! Office back home is giving out sewing kits… Dots. I would be happier to receive a black and decker screwdriver as a symbol of equality… Sewing kit… Feels like something that I got when I received a brownie badge when I was 12. Hmmm. Another long entry on how women are their worst enemies another time. Till then, keep safe, smile, and know that you are loved.