Thursday, August 10, 2006

After a long wait...

I feel like I should update my long forsaken blog. But thoughts that I think are a little convulated. To set it in writing would require some thinking through,some clarity on my part... but but but.. it's time.

I think that I am either going through the pains of puberty again or the way to adulthood is by no means an easy feat. Sure, it is a ride... an exhilirating ride. but as with roller coaster rides, sitting on this ride for a prolonged period may not be my favourite cuppa of tea.

Some highs over this period:
I got to see Howard!!! (he is the guy whose blog I read religiously...) *Big big grin on my face*
Haha, I felt like some secondary school kid who just met up with Jonathan Leong (a contestant in Singapore Idol), who gushes over him and screams her lungs out.. But nope, that didn't happen. All I did was just beam and turn beet red.... and perhaps float on cloud 9 for a while.. but yeah, reality struck really soon and I was like, hmmm. a little short aint he. haha ok,I wil be nice.

Went Horseriding! Went with sir Knight for a little adventure. We took a train to Kulai and went horseriding there.. I like the horse I went on a trail ride with, he is as melancholic as I am and we got on just fine... Unlike sir Knight's horse who just ate at every opportune time. It was quite a funny sight to watch really! We had gourmet food, a great time of fellowship with God and basically just bummed alot. I liked it. Oh, there was the world cup! which kept me thoroughly entertained. for a while after it ended I thought that I would suffer from withdrawal symptoms and start watching the English Premier League.. But nah, I am not that crazy after all.

I think that horses are very beautiful animals. I guess at this point in time, I relate with these creatures because they are free spiritied creatures but yet they are in reality locked up in stables... Yes, i know that I am free in Jesus,that I am a victorious child.. but.. I do feel a product of society with obligations, duties and responsibilities bringing me down.

Beach visits! I lurve beaches. While the grandeur of mountains always leaves me awe stricken... the beach does it for me. Went to Siloso beach a while back, listened to Jazz music and just chilled.. ran around like little kids and just laughed at our source of entertainment! Hmmm, am I aging too fast that I squirm and think that this is an inappropriate form of action? Just very recently, I went to East coast for a try at roller blading. I proudly declare that I can stand on my blades but blading is very different! :P sir Knight was the sweetest as he tried to teach this athelatically inept lady how to manoeuvre with her blades.. :) It was great fun and may I say hard work. I want to learn how to blade.. the gateway to nice toned legs!

Graduation! Haha, i guess it is good to write this down. Well, I was suffering from a flu on my day of graduation so my photos didnt turn out as beautifully as I wished they would! So, I am officially a graduate with a certificate to prove that I am not a phony! It was nice to see my classmates of old and to feel that sense of pride that I have acheived it. I thank God for a season of my life passing in completion and another one that I am still trying hard to understand.

Parents who saw me through the Singapore Education System!

It is good to write all these thoughts down, it helps me to count my blessings and to be thankful for all that has happened.

So, currently I am craving for some peace and quiet while screaming inside to be heard and understood. I am tired of all these in front of me.Some have said that I do make my life complicated and really, it doesnt need to be that way. Yes sir, yes mam. I know it doesnt need to be this way. I know that you are probably sick of hearing the same old complaints of the issues that bug me... Yet I am a creature of habit whether I admit it or not.. my pet peeves/hurts do not change much over time; what changes is the way I think about them and react to them.

I am learning what it means to be gracious and to be accepting of Grace. I have gone one spectrum of thinking that the situation/person is totally horrid to thinking that I am the most failed creature in human times. Yet in times like these, God's grace is to be the salvation(saviour) of the situation. To save us from anger, rage and total despair. I pray that God will teach me to be gracious, not pretentiously but with all sincerity that would have me die on the cross for one that is not at all worthy.

I am learning that while everything is relative,.. and really, there are not many big social events that men can use the Lord's name and say "God Wills It"... his sovereign love and control of the situation makes everything beautiful in its time. This dismisses the huge fear of screwing up in the event that I choose one option over the other. It makes it more bearable as at this tender age, I do have the space to make mistakes that do not spell DOOM.

Yes, it is a journey to the deeper unknown, where what is known can often be reduced to an unknown, where questions that I don't even know exist I start to ask. Where the only thing that I know I can depend on is not far, but it is not where I wish he would be (yes,I know, girl.. do more QTs)....

In the mean time, I need to continue to take this humble way, it sux big time sometimes if you ask me.. Mega whine. But I know that the act of it shows me the lowliness that God took for us. I need to relax, knowing that I can do anything as long as I love Jesus (paraphase of St Augustine), that loving is often a discipline that stretches one in more ways that is expected. And finally.. to expect and not be dismal about the journey that is ahead of me.

To end things, perhaps I should share a little from my little lessons in QT. I have been reading Jeremiah. Such an angry book, well God's wrath on his wayward people that Jeremiah was communicating to the people.. But God shows his mercy in time and that's when he wrote the verse that is quoted way too many times(Jeremiah 29:11). Context: This people were a people in exile because of their wayward ways and it is there that God says he has a plan for them.. to prosper and not to harm them.

Some moral of the story that could be learnt....
1) They deserved to be HARMED considering how bad they were
2) This promise of God did come through as seen in the fist chapters of Ezra
3) He does gives us promises at those times when we need to hear it most

With this I leave u and continue with my work. I know that life is tough. very tough. But God works through the tough ways to make us tough people. tough earthern vessels that he can use and work his glory through (2nd Corinthians). So that we will not crumble in the face of pressure, that we will in time learn to smile and say, as it is with God,.. so it is with me.

God Bless.