Wednesday, October 26, 2011

sometimes, ppl r nicer than you think they are...

I am allergic to people whom I think will gossip, or share my life without my wanting. Haha, yes, its part of human nature, but I think that they are some people who are more disposed to it than others.

My frog told a lady who has such a disposition about our wedding and I got really worried. I guess I didn't want to be judged, or to have to justify my decision.. but with him telling her, I really needed to confront the situation and tell some people else they might be offended.... Today, I took the "plunge" and told her. She was really sweet and supportive. She is probably one of the few who knows about his life at the point that I met him and so, understands the situation. 

Yes, people talk, sometimes against my wishes, but they can still be nice.. and I will need to learn to accept them (ie invite them for the wedding! haha) 

My life in the next months can only be exciting. :)

Qn to frog: Why do we want to marry instead of just remain girl friend/boy friend. What changes?
frog: This changes our perspective in the way that we approach life... we can make more long term decisions, planning etc.

Brain in overdrive with the repeat of questions. I pray for stillness and faith....  

Friday, October 21, 2011

need to stay calm and still...

9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

role of a wedding

decisions decisions decisions.

So easy to be self absorbed and think I WANT THINGS MY WAY! stomp stomp stomp :)

at the end of the day, wat is most impt to me would be

- happy parents
- God to bless the day
- a cosy time with people i love

Need to remember this is not about the place, the costs involved and/or other external factors....

ok, bye bye plan of Batam. me thinks. 

Thursday, October 06, 2011

what does it mean to be a woman...

A Rant.

I don't know what it means to be a woman.

I know what it means to be a child of God: love him and follow his commandments

A daughter: honor my parents

But a woman in today's day and age. No clue. I have glimpses here and there but no real clue. Sometimes I scare myself but to be honest, I find it easier to find male role models instead of women. I have a few men in my life i consider God sent, fatherly figures who have taught me the value of being me, of God's will being manifested when I do not give in to fear but rather be bold and courageous.  I find men who go against all odds to please God inspiring and endeavor to be like that.

But women. Its hard. Are we defined by the relationships we have? The decorating, cooking, household chores, the million acts of kindness that go unnoticed? I think that I would fail the exam of "traditional woman", and I think I would be kicked out of the school of proverbs 31 women.

Haha. yes, you know where this is leading to. I told my auntie who was brave enough to bring this up that  it is impossible to be this woman. To even think to be like her means to think of self as a failure. Why have a standard that nobody can live to, she sounds like a mini God. the ability to do everything but not asking anything in return...

Today I was really angry because I spent the past days trying to arrange my schedule to meet frog's, and he conveniently forgot that he agreed on this schedule. It is not a big thing but it felt quite unreciprocated. Unequal efforts on the same matter. For me, I knew that a "i am sorry, I forgot" from him, would help make me feel better but of course, this did not happen. I thought about the million bad things that this could mean, from 1) maybe he is egoistic, 2) maybe he doesn't love me, 3) maybe i am an evil person.. and more toilet worthy thoughts, ie nthg edifying... I was angry that I had to be the one to give in...

What does it mean to love even when u do not feel loved at the moment? It is perhaps more difficult when I am a highly affective creature, ie I FEEL ALOT. Maybe this is not a question of the role of the woman. But since I am one and I am trying to deal with the future man, it is convenient to think of it together. How do you feel "secured" in this very fallible human love, How do you love without "wanting something" and fighting tooth and nail for it? Especially when there is so much pressure that "since he is the one u chose, pls choose wisely,... which translates to if it doesn't work out, there is only you to be blamed" How do you know that he really loves you. How sure are you that you want to marry him?

Between the frustration, tears and despair, what was encouraging was for all the God-like things that this proverbs 31 woman did, her husband praised her because she feared the Lord. Fearing the Lord was seen as the sum of all that she did. The culmination of the good work she did be it the land that she bought, the purple linen that she made, the waking up at ridiculous hours. She feared God in her conduct in this relationship.

To fear the Lord. to fear God in a relationship that is supposed to be one of the closest in this human world. Brings tears to my eyes just thinking how difficult this would be,..isn't he supposed to be my knight in shining armour, make me laugh when I cry,...(says goodbye to Hollywood). but also hope, that perhaps it is not the different "women activities" that I will be ultimately judged on, but rather if I feared God. (its a separate post to consider what it means to fear God)

Maybe in my next post, I will talk about some influential women in my life. And what I have learnt from them..

May God grant mercy to my soul. peace. peace. peace. peace. peace. 

Monday, October 03, 2011

a prelude to a happy beginning...

2 days ago, a dear friend from Singapore came up to Germany for work. He was coming my way and knowing his photo taking hobby, we asked nicely if he could take some fotos... Besides the fact that the frog darling doesn't look into the camera, I am happy with the pictures.. These are some that we have "rejected"...