Friday, April 20, 2012

to have and to hold, from this day forth...

Bittersweet that wedding season is over, happy and relieved that it went ok, sad that it's done and now  real life begins... I have told some that marriage is an anti climax to the hype of a wedding haha.

So hello to the rare few who read this blog. Thank you for being a part of my very special day. I have told the husband that it was as perfect as it could be. Things that I am not too happy about (pink flowers!!!, my puffy eyes, cupcake hair....), well, they pale in comparison to the magic of that day.

So, wow, married. I think that its a big word that I cannot really understand. The husband thinks I am a little cuckoo....I was scared before we married, scared during the wedding and now that everything is done, I am still scared.. haha.

Some key thoughts on weddings as I leave this chapter behind and contemplate the marriage chapter.

1) From beautiful ceremony to the relationship with the man...

When I first started preparing this wedding, it felt rather "mechanical", quite like preparing any other event... except i am the "cow" in question. It was about finding a location, deciding on the feel, picking out the relevant dresses, and trying to be in shape as far as travels and asian food will allow me.

As the day drew near, the impossibility of having the perfect wedding became more real as I felt more out of control with the different details. Wanting things done my way could potentially mean conflict, and being conflict adverse for the most part, that meant letting things go...  but with the letting go of the different details that I thought was important, this gave me room to contemplate the man that I was going to marry.

I  had a real fear that after not being in the same continent with him for the past 5 months, I would not want to marry him when he comes and it would be really disastrous... I was very relieved when I hugged him and felt that love between us when he arrived. Haha, a little silly but it helped allay some fears. I was happy when I started thinking about the wedding as a celebration of our love, instead of worrying about some detail that I might have little control over.

2) a wedding as a village event

Since preparing the wedding, I have been mindful about the fact that a wedding is not so much for me as for the people around me. During the early preparation stages, I remember being quite frustrated at the expectations of a wedding and googled why have a wedding (instead of elope)... I am not one who enjoys big scenes and attention drawn to myself and speak in code about the key things in my life.. This very public declaration is something that scares me and not something that I am super comfortable with. The best google answer I could live with was around people processing my change of status and a ceremony to help everyone along... So, a "village" event.

Honestly, it has been a challenge to juggle all the different expectations from different members of the village but as the day drew closer, I realised that this wedding was also not something I could do alone. I cannot be the "cow" and also the organizer (and travel for work just before the wedding). As people stepped up to help and looked like they had fun helping (haha my sis will tell u how that is impt to me), I was touched and thankful. So, thank you for your love and time. Not sure if you received an ang pow in the end (some went missing unfortunately) but I am grateful for your help. Thank you for being there for me. Please continue to be my friend, one shape or form. you are not allowed to disappear from my life!!! And for those who came, I am so happy that you were there. You are important to me and your presence was precious to me. again, please stay :)

3) Family

I love my family. Dysfunctional in some ways(which family isn't?!?), but they are key in how I have become, and they have known me since I came to be. Despite the distances or the differences, I know and will try very hard to continue to love...

After crying many times about the prospect of losing my family, my husband has reminded me that they will continue to remain my family despite me being married. The idea of being married off doesn't apply and so I shouldn't be too dismal! (best thing about marrying my white man!)

4) Saying I do

So, in all, a decision made to say I do to one man, one imperfect human being whom I dearly love. The man whom I know upholds Godly values and whom I know wants to do some good during his lifetime. Yes there will be moments of ups and downs, moments where I might feel like he doesn't know or understand me, moments where I am drawn to something or someone else... I ask for God's protection to this love. That my energy will not be used to ponder if we should be married or if we r good for each other, but rather to think about how I can better love and cherish him for who he is. So scared(!!!) but yet at the same time, excited to know what life might bring...

Stay tuned!