Wednesday, July 31, 2013

for my little sister- things i hv learnt so far about being married.

Some day I read your blog and I wish we were once again just chilling and talking bout many different random things. I wish that I was present when you are bouncing off your thoughts, just to annoy you, challenge your thinking a little or to quietly encourage you.... But the fact remains, I am many thousand kilometers away from you and the only way I can access your thoughts is through what you write for the big world wide web... From the many things that you have written, I see a trend of wondering what it means to be married... my 2 cents worth, after being married for a little more than a year (though some days it feels like a lifetime)...

Marriage is not just bout falling in love, but about staying in love. It is a feeling, and on days when the feeling dissipates, a choice to act in a certain way. It is no accident that love remains when hope and faith disappears. Many books talk bout marriage being a covenant, about it teaching us holiness, and about us being an example of Christ and the church. I think that they are all very true, but yet at the same time, I do not think that they are reasons enough to marry or stay married. These thought needs to develop into something loving, or risk becoming bitter, legalistic etc. I can learn holiness, about Christ and the Church, about covenants in many different ways, I do not need to subject myself to marriage. or to stay happily (purposefully) married. Haha, as such, I think that only love can compel us to such an act that somedays feel ridiculously insane.

Some new revelations of love that I've had since being married (besides the long long impossible list in 1corinthians 13).. which continues to leave me in awe to the depth of God's love.

 - Love is redeeming.
Some days, I think about the wrong we do to each other and think that maybe it's time to call it a day. I fantasize about coming home, or going to a faraway land and having a butler who will not give me emotional pain. But love redeems... it chooses to remember that the person that has done you wrong, is as loved as you are by God. And the sins done to you is nothing compared to those they have done to God. As such, if God can forgive them, so can you...

- Love is humble.
Humble in remembering that at the end of the day we are all sinners. And that from the posture of being a sinner, I do not always need to be right.And I can somedays overlook the wrongs done to me, because I have also somedays done things that are not right. (ps: ALOT easier said than done)

- God is love.
Somedays love is the last thing I will choose. Somedays I want my right. The right to be heard, to be understood, to be loved etc. But some of these days, these 'rights' will not be given, and I will be left to choose. To insist on having them (risk a world war) or to love unconditionally, drawing strength from the well of love. I love because He first love me. (again, ALOT easier said than done)

- Love is wise.
I find this one of the hardest. When to make a stand, and when to let it slide. Too much of one, and a woman is said to be naggy, contentions, difficult. Too little, the woman is a pushover, has nothing to say and is 'submissive'.It almost sounds like the better option to let things slide and I find myself wishing that I did not have an education some days.. .Though on good days, I believe that God has a better plan than making me a maid, stepford wife, and that 2 are better than 1...
It is also a lot easier to not have an opinion on matters that do not concern me, though marriage is nothing like that. So many decisions impact both, as they should... finances, time,  priorities etc. What then does it mean for the man to be the head of the household when there are 2 different lives that have been brought up with very different upbringing? After countless fights, I am increasingly asking God for wisdom. Wisdom to know if this is worth the fight, and if it is, to grant me a lot of grace to say it in a way that has the right tone. (God saves us all!)

- Love is revealing.
In the ups and downs, I see in my fallen nature my deep seated fears of abandonment. Where on bad days are reinforced by a man who sees running away his coping mechanism.  However, I have increasingly seen this as an opportunity to remember that ultimately, I belong to Christ. My help comes from him alone.

There is the element of iron sharpening iron in this relationship, and it is on some days, horribly devastating. But God continues to reveal his face in these moments. Through the glimmer of hope that comes from reconcilation, the peace you feel knowing that it is ultimately well in your soul.... It is a space to see God, when our hearts are not hardened.

Some thoughts for now. May it also remind me on the bad days, to not lose hope!! :)

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

meditating on this currently...

Psalm 27

Of David.

The Lord is my light and my salvation
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
    to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.
One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.
Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!
    Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.
13 I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.