Friday, November 20, 2015

Kari Jobe - I Am Not Alone (Live)

Season of my life. (ok, maybe my main season in life)

- Being constantly misunderstood. Because of gender, cultural, language differences. Feeling the permanent weird one.

- Thank you Jesus for being the anchor of my soul. Please remind me again and again and again and again that you are more than enough. You are good. and this world is yours.

- I am infinitely understood by you. And its ok. my role is not my identity. I am yours. The daughter of the most high one.

- I love you very much. Please remind me that it counts for something (even on days when I feel like I have no use in life)

Monday, November 16, 2015

Reality in Jesus

Hello Blogworld,

it is 1157pm and I am trying to calm down. I have worked myself up into a frenzy, the kind that leads to feelings of insufficiencies, self destruction, and the inability to walk out of my brain. I am hoping that writing will calm me down. This is my attempt at telling truth to myself.

We live in a broken world. Broken. People who killed people in Paris lived in Molenbeek, not too far from where I am. Sad for a world so broken that killing another is the only option. What kind of anger is in their hearts. What can the world do?

I am feeling defeated. I know its a feeling. I am waiting for it to go. So I can face the world again, and be the good soldier he wants me to be. But right now, I am plagued by feelings. I am gifted as a highly affective human. Also plagued.

So. Reality in Christ. That this reality that he loves me becomes more real than any other reality for me. That in the end, this reality is what makes the difference. Not because of anything I am, because I am not. But because He is. He is yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is enough.

I am his child. that is my biggest identity. My truest identity. I am sorry for being a failed human else wise. for being indefinitely sensitive. for being not enough. But the identity I am to hold on to right now - a child of God. I am because He is. I am not my own. I belong to him. I will get through this panic attack - because it's not about me. I am not enough. but its not about me. So it's ok.

I had a dream (nightmare) this morning that made me more sensitive than I normally am. Anybody who knows me will know that is not a good thing (sorry). But yeap. So. we fought. He became choleric, i melted in my melancholy. I did things I am not proud of. But I  want to remember Christ in this story. I do not want to be the victim. God is victorious. He is enough for me. Even when I am not enough.

Sorry for being unlikable. Thank you God for loving me despite of being unlikable. Help me to write this story together with you.

Because you live, I can face tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Is God bad?

(First sharing in school today!)

Our text today is found in Lamentations chapter 3. Lamentations is a collection of poems that describes the pain suffered by the Jews. As a collection of poems, it is written in stereotypical language of grief and have been used as liturgy regarding suffering. Traditionally, it is thought that lamentations was written by Jeremiah after the fall of Jerusalem in 587BC.  This was a period of great suffering. 2 Kings 25 as well as 2 Chronicles 36 describes this fall. Where the sons of king of Zedekiah was killed in front of the king before the king was captured and brought back to Babylon. There was fire set to the temple, royal palace and as well as to all the important houses of Jerusalem. Besides stately buildings, the bronze pillars in the temple of God was broken apart with treasures from the temple taken away. People were taken captive. What was left in Jerusalem was the poorest people to work the vineyards and the farms.

Lamentations employs the use of different voices, traditionally understood as a medium through which expression is given to his world. In the verses that we are looking at, the voice of the strong or valiant man is employed. What is expressed is the suffering of this man. There are many suggestions regarding who this man was. This ranges from Jeremiah, the presupposed author, A king, a suffering soldier or a literary ‘everyman’. What is important is how this man speaks as a representative of populace at large. The words of suffering he uses is reminiscent of the language of suffering used in other parts of the Old Testament. It is not a logical flow of what the man is going through, but rather a snapshot of this suffering and pain the man is going through, a collage of horror if you would.

So, linking this to our theme of the day. Is God bad that one has to suffer? Focusing on the text, the man does not ask God why he is suffering, but rather he is lamenting the extent of his suffering. In the same way, the question today is limited to the depth of suffering. The why of suffering cannot be answered just by looking at this text and it is therefore a meditation for another day. Today, I want to focus on the question “Is God bad that he causes his people to suffer so much?” I do this first by making 3 main observations of the text

-        In the writing, it is assumed that I and He are clearly in a relationship. This is a covenantal relationship.  God chose them to be his people. He had chosen them to walk in his ways in the sight of the nations, brought them to the promised land, chosen Jerusalem as the city where the ark of the covenant should rest and his temple be built. There is a story involved. The people know God and their story. Chapter 3 is part of a bigger story of the people of God and God himself.

-       In the first 17 verses, there is a certain pattern that talks about I and he. “I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath” “He has driven me away”. There is a clear relationship between the “I” and “he”. On first instance, He seems bad as he caused the pain, piercing “my” heart”, “filling my heart”. On the other hand, the fact that there are 17 verses of accusation of this “he” without a defense of who he is is a validation of this suffering.  There is space for the I to speak without He defending his action. “I” is allowed to be honest in the pain, denying the easy resolution. There is a space for pain and suffering in our being.

-        Many have mentioned that this is the turning point of remembering God, which culminates in the verses of that talks about the Lord’s great love. In the first 17 verses, “he” was faceless. It was only in verse 18 that He was mentioned as “the Lord”, “Yahweh”. In bringing up the Lord, Yahweh, there was the possibility of remembering the character of Yahweh, which “I” later mentioned to be loving with mercies that re new every morning’.

God allows pain in the story. But there is a wider context to this pain. Remembering who God is in my story instantly makes it clear to me that God is not bad. But why does this truth elude me so often? Do I allow space for suffering in my story? Or do I get angry when I suffer? Do I remember who He is in my suffering? The story that I have had with him thus far and his character in my suffering?

One main addition to the story of God that I have that the people did not have during Lamentations was Jesus. Jesus continues to be the theme this week. May the reality of Christ become clearer for you in your reality.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Complicated love

You laugh with abandonment,
face the world with determination,
and make me smile inside.

Our lives intentionally entangled,
whilst being the adult,
you bring out the child in me.

A complicated love,
you and I,
I never thought I would have.

A prayer I pray for you,
that you will remain secure,
of the love that is for you.

The burdens of adults,
felt intensely by you,
yet you pretend it doesn't exist.

Love, simple yet hard,
Joy, pure yet illusive,
Grateful, yet frightful.

A complicated love,
you and I,
I never thought I would have. 

Friday, May 08, 2015

Thursday, April 23, 2015


I love flowers. 

They remind me that Jesus loves me. 

That he had time for something that seems frivolous. 

It feels 'pure'. Nothing difficult about it. 

Thank you Jesus for flowers. 

For the opportunity to live somewhere that has them bloom. 

Friday, April 03, 2015

3 years.

I wanted today to be perfect. 
Well as perfect as I think we should responsibly be (ie cheap).
It was funny how imperfect it was.
Food was mediocre, ambience lacking. 
We both tried to not be annoyed with each other. 
Made me more upset than necessary.
Expectations. If I did not want it to be perfect. It would have been perfect. 

A photo. More photos to plot our growth. 
We finished the night with 23 yr old whisky
And promised to be together for another 23 years. 

May God grant us grace to accept imperfections in life. 

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Thought of the day

I m critical of capitalism. But some days I get it. It is a common denominator that doesn't differentiate people by their race, or country. ( sure it's discriminating in other ways) frustrated with myself frustrated with my studies.

I need you God.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

mama chai chee

Talking about Muppets, reminds me of you
Of sleeping on the tilam, in the little hall
Memories are hazy, I was very young,
But memories feel good, puts a smile on my face.

I miss you mama, and making tepong
I watched some Peranakan short video,
And immediately thought of you.
The rojak language, English, Chinese Dialect, Malay all rolled into one.

"Chikek Dara" you would say -
Whenever I did something annoying.
But the anger lasts for a short while
and it would be good again :)

The years I know you are now outnumbered by those I don't.
What would you think about my life?
Would this remind you of what you used to tinker on the piano -
"trust and obey"?

My personification of nice
to the anger of my mom.
Thank you for being special
I think of you still. 

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Blessed are the peacemakers.

It's breaking my heart. 
The aftermath of Charlie Hebdo. 
Killing is never right, whatever the cause...
But it happens. Some kill for money, others kill for power. Who should be surprised that some kill for their God?  

I am wired to fight for the underdogs. 
At this point, it involves the Muslims living in Europe. 
As a foreigner. I get it. The frustration of being the other. 
Killing is never right. But so is prejudice. 

The widespread anger towards a people group - It's dangerous. 
The Monday marches however peaceful - It's hurting.
Churches burning in Niger, for the sins of liberal atheists. Messed up. Very messed up. 

How does peace making look like? 
What does it mean to love? 
My heart is breaking. 
For the lines drawn in the sand. 

We are here today, but gone tomorrow. 
What kind of legacy? What kind of words? 
To live boldly in the midst of pain and suffering.
To be a light in the midst of darkness - and to find solace in one bigger. 

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Something to remember

The darling wrapping a self picked gift. Funny, imperfect n heart warming.,;)
Good to remember the sweet moments.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Beetle growing up

Small little one is growing. Very quickly. Still thankful for her!