Friday, November 20, 2015

Kari Jobe - I Am Not Alone (Live)

Season of my life. (ok, maybe my main season in life)

- Being constantly misunderstood. Because of gender, cultural, language differences. Feeling the permanent weird one.

- Thank you Jesus for being the anchor of my soul. Please remind me again and again and again and again that you are more than enough. You are good. and this world is yours.

- I am infinitely understood by you. And its ok. my role is not my identity. I am yours. The daughter of the most high one.

- I love you very much. Please remind me that it counts for something (even on days when I feel like I have no use in life)

Monday, November 16, 2015

Reality in Jesus

Hello Blogworld,

it is 1157pm and I am trying to calm down. I have worked myself up into a frenzy, the kind that leads to feelings of insufficiencies, self destruction, and the inability to walk out of my brain. I am hoping that writing will calm me down. This is my attempt at telling truth to myself.

We live in a broken world. Broken. People who killed people in Paris lived in Molenbeek, not too far from where I am. Sad for a world so broken that killing another is the only option. What kind of anger is in their hearts. What can the world do?

I am feeling defeated. I know its a feeling. I am waiting for it to go. So I can face the world again, and be the good soldier he wants me to be. But right now, I am plagued by feelings. I am gifted as a highly affective human. Also plagued.

So. Reality in Christ. That this reality that he loves me becomes more real than any other reality for me. That in the end, this reality is what makes the difference. Not because of anything I am, because I am not. But because He is. He is yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is enough.

I am his child. that is my biggest identity. My truest identity. I am sorry for being a failed human else wise. for being indefinitely sensitive. for being not enough. But the identity I am to hold on to right now - a child of God. I am because He is. I am not my own. I belong to him. I will get through this panic attack - because it's not about me. I am not enough. but its not about me. So it's ok.

I had a dream (nightmare) this morning that made me more sensitive than I normally am. Anybody who knows me will know that is not a good thing (sorry). But yeap. So. we fought. He became choleric, i melted in my melancholy. I did things I am not proud of. But I  want to remember Christ in this story. I do not want to be the victim. God is victorious. He is enough for me. Even when I am not enough.

Sorry for being unlikable. Thank you God for loving me despite of being unlikable. Help me to write this story together with you.

Because you live, I can face tomorrow.