Monday, March 28, 2016

my heart rages

My heart rages
For Brussels, for Lahore, for places I don't know how to pronounce.
For suicide bombers, for victims, for family
For people in fear, and those that have to make decisions.

Doing the right thing is never easy,
help me discern what that is.
Give me hope Lord to believe again I have a future
In this abyss of writing

I need you Jesus, thank you for your resurrection.
You are my God.
Help me stay faithful. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Racism, diversity, and choosing what to believe (otherwise)

In Singapore. We hear about the Chinese privilege. Or perhaps we are happy to be Singaporeans in SEA where we are branded for our wealth, efficiency, and general amazing-ness :)

Suffice to say, I am not well equipped to deal with racism. Specially from little beetle. This i hope will not stay a lingering theme. But it has been the case the past weeks...While I can try very hard to be empathetic, to say it hurts is to say that the sky is blue...

Sad to say, theology leaves me with the same feelings of helplessness. Empiricism, Scholasticism, relativism, (and all the other isms).. I perpetually feel like I did not have an education... I was under the impression that theology had something to teach about real life issues.

Well, this feeling is repeated of being small and unworthiness appears every once in a while. Dirk says I have been here for 5 years. I should be done with whatever culture shock I would have, and not keep thinking/wishing of being somewhere else. I wished I was better at this too. But truth be told, this feeling reappears when I struggle with a new language, speaking German with an accent (and with deliciously rubbish grammar) getting reject letters for job vacancies, and writing things that do not make enough sense.

But we are not called to feel bad. To hate our lives/self so much. Instead, we are called to be us, to remember that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. This even when it is so hard, so hard to not be put down and to just put my head down and say ok, you win. I need to fight. To fight to believe in God's truth. To let that be the most true of who I am. Because in the end, it is. Today. I want to remember that I have a purpose. And I am called to be exactly where I am. (I just received my permanent resident in Germany today - yay for one thing working out) I will not think fleeing thoughts. But think about what it means to live in Christ.

God please help me.

Monday, March 07, 2016

Dear Child of God

Do you know that the God of creation, decided to create you?

He decided that you will have a tender loving heart, where brokenness and imperfection breaks you, a sense of adventure and curiosity for people unknown; parents who try their best with you, siblings to love, compare, agonise and be proud of. A husband that you love and respect (sometimes hate but mostly love), a little bonus child that you can laugh with and cry about but finally to witness a little life come to be.

God has been present through the journey of life, the mundane, stressful, exciting and sad. He knows you are intense. He made you. He knows how people, results, life have almost broken you. Yet He also walks with you, comforts you at your lowest. Besides pain, he has also given you so many special-ness to be thankful about. People, places, food (yummy food), nature. All in all. You are blessed. Very blessed. You love your family, they love you too. There are people on this planet that you care very much about and you are typing this in the comfort of your apartment.

So child of God. Stand strong. Show up. Remember. Remember that who you are is a gift - not a liability. Remember your blessings. He has blessed you indefinitely. Remember to seek his kingdom and his righteousness. Do not start worrying (obsessing) about the small things in life. God, your father knows you need them.

To seek his kingdom in your situation is love the people in your life. It is also to be discontent with the world's brokenness. It is to find a place that you want to contribute in. To witness to. At this point in life. It is to talk about Christian organizations. You do not want them to settle. to forget their Christian identity. So write, Child of God. Stop feeling so inadequate. Stop being vain with your work. Remember, it is how you participate in this mission of God at this moment. If you ever reach a day where you become puffed up with all this knowledge - I will have a talk with you. But at this moment. WRITE. Be thankful and strong and brave. You have a message. Share it unapologetically. It is what it is.

Child of God, continue to strive for contentment. It is living the present in lieu of God's promises. It is not to close your eyes and wish your life away. It is to be brave and to walk in the thick of it. To want to live for God in the face of opposition. To not shy away but to remember that your God walks with you.

Child of God. You are loved. Love back. Don't be scarred. Use your experiences to deepen your love. Love the lord your God, and your neighbour as yourself.